An article that could not be published for fear of backlash...which is fair enough.

Just a note: I wrote this article after David Haye made a media faux pas. I can understand if people get offended by it. But before you do try to just consider the point I was trying to make. The magazine didn't run the article and I fully understand why. I just want it out there.

Words, Words, Words

A joke: Statistically nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

That got your attention. Why start an article with this joke?

World Heavyweight Champion David Haye recently commented that in his upcoming match, opponent Audley Harrison was going to be “violated” and that the bout is going to be as “one sided as a gang rape”. Duly the media world gasped as one and asked him to apologise for his comments. Haye side stepped the apology and now more and more people are discussing the use of the word rape.

Newspapers and TV shows have recently been publishing and presenting articles and saying that the use of the word rape is abhorrent as a metaphor or simile and slammed comedians for using it as a joke; the clones of Mary Whitehouse whipped themselves into a frenzy using her spinning body as a dynamo for the censorship arguments & agreed with the journalists/TV presenters. YOU SHOULDN’T MAKE JOKES ABOUT RAPE. This stirred angry feelings inside of me.

Now let me get this straight – I don’t think the act of rape is some trivial matter. Far from it. It is hideous, animalistic and as many other adjectives you can think of that would show how disgusted I am by it. However, that doesn’t mean I think that comedians should not be allowed to talk about it or make jokes. That’s the point of some forms of comedy. To push the subjects that are taboo. Ah but what about racist jokes you say – well, if we’re honest (to paraphrase Freud from ‘Wit and it’s relation to the Unconscious) we still laugh because we know we shouldn’t laugh and that’s what makes it funny. We are all guilty of it too – we have all told ‘an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsmen’ joke. Lest we forget, those are racist jokes.

I digress. My point is that we can’t want to become some form a Orwellian Language or Humour Police telling people what they can and can’t say. The journalists then go on to argue that people who make these jokes (on stage, in conversations) are cruel because they assume that this has not happened to the person they are conversing with (statistics are then regularly thrown up about one in four women in the UK being victims of sexual assault, the journalists though seem to leave out the statistics for men). If we followed that thought about what we say could have a negative effect on every person then we could never say what we want or ever make a joke for fear of causing offence to every single person we met. Maybe I shouldn’t say the word ‘fuck’ anymore as the person I am talking too maybe hasn’t had sex for a awhile or is a virgin and so I am making fun of them. Maybe I shouldn’t say the word ‘shit’ because the person I am talking to is constipated. You get the idea.

They appear to miss the point about some comedians. They are meant to make you wince, and look at each other and say ‘Can you get away with that?’ If you don’t like that comedy don’t watch it. One journalist quotes: “...in the midst of some material about drink-driving, Ricky Gervais said: "I've done it once and I'm really ashamed of it. It was Christmas - I'd had a couple of drinks and I took the car out. But I learned my lesson. I nearly killed an old lady. In the end I didn't kill her. . .I just raped her." Geddit? (Me neither.)” The joke here is obvious – to become all analytical about it and sap any humour you may have found – Gervais is pointing out some bad things he is doing (1) He has been drink driving (2) He nearly killed an old lady – phew, she is still alive let’s hope he learned his lesson (3) He raped her. That’s the joke. He is saying he is evil, he didn’t kill her - he raped her instead. Fine if you don’t laugh, but don’t assume that others will not, and then try to make them feel guilty for laughing at it.

Words are powerful. That’s the point. They will only be trivialised by people who do not understand language, or will be used even more because journalists try so hard to point out how these people should be stopped from saying these words; this will cause more people to use them because we all like to provoke a reaction.

So there we have it. Rape is not funny. We have been told by the media. However the comedian George Carlin has said “imagine Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd...that’s funny”. And it is. So rape is funny. And on and on the debate goes.

I have the feeling though that if Haye had said ‘I’m going to murder him’ , all this talk wouldn’t have happened at all. Strange that.

Lo-Fidelity #1

Ten albums you probably haven’t heard; apart from one

I am a muso. I admit that. I love to collect music and learning facts; but as all really good musos know, the real pleasure is telling someone about an album that they have not heard before or of a band that only a few other select musos know. I know, I am probably lacking something in my life but I don’t care. I have bands that you never have heard of.

However, I am feeling generous. Here are ten albums you really should try to get your grubby little mits on. Ignore the NME. I have all the really great music.

In no particular order:

• Dr. Feelgood – ‘Down By The Jetty’ – They essentially sound like your best mate’s band down the pub when you are pissed and dancing around with them. All rock n roll and old blues feel, just a bit grubby round the edges. Completely uncool.
• Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – ‘Acme’ – You know the White Stripes right? Well this guy was doing it WAAAAAAAY before Jack plugged in his guitar. It all sounds like 60’s garage rock though a couple of samples are chucked in for good measure. Squawking horns, dirty riffs AND he sounds like Elvis.
• Mark Kozelek – ‘What’s Next to the Moon? – OK. This is not ironic. Just let me point this out. The album is a bunch of Bon Scott era AC/DC covers reproduced in acoustic folk form. Lyrics suddenly gain poignancy and weight. They sound like they could have been written yesterday or 100 years ago and sung by Leadbelly whilst he was at the mercy of the prison governor.
• Fang Island – ‘Fang Island’ – A NYC band. Mostly instrumental, but rocks really hard – there is the odd bit of chanting thrown in for good measure. Like an Animal Collective you don’t have to try and pretend to like.
• Ryan Adams – ‘The Suicide Handbook’ & ‘Destroyer’ – Remember when Ryan Adams was brilliant? Me too. These albums have never officially been released though they are spoken of in hushed tones by fans and critics alike. These were recorded during a particularly prolific time for Adams during the ‘Heartbreaker’ and ‘Gold’ sessions. Though many songs were scrapped as the record company said they were too depressing. They maybe only demos, but that is what makes them all the more special. Some you will recognise, others have remained unreleased, though God knows why. Unfortunately you will have to try and download these, though of course you can’t do that as it’s illegal, and you probably wouldn’t do it anyway...
• The Tallest Man On Earth – ‘The Wild Hunt’ – He’s Swedish but don’t let that put you off. He sounds nothing like ABBA. This is sparse music. The songs generally consist of acoustic guitar and maybe a slightly out of tune piano. It feels like overindulgence when a lightly plucked banjo comes in on the title track. Lyrics are slightly non sensical but he has an amazing voice stolen directly from early Dylan and melodies that will stick in your head. You can also sound deep when you are stroking your beard and trying impress that girl with your knowledge of Swedish folk.
• The Police - ‘Outlands D’Amour’ – Yes. I said it. The Police...but don’t let that put you off. Their first album is great. Your parents probably own this but I reckon you don’t. You should. Great tunes. All massive singalongs. Well nearly...apart from the song about a blow up doll. Get it. It won’t let you down. All done before Sting went all stupid and pretentious...well, nearly.
• Park Ave. – ‘When Jamie Went To London...We Broke Up’ – Indeed they did. This lot only made one album. I won’t tell you how young they were because your life will suddenly feel completely wasted and you will feel too old. Folk and tweeness seems to be making a comeback and this album is perfect for it. Great if you are trying to woo that bird from th local Art college.
• The Hold Steady – ‘Boys and Girls In America’ – This band have been around for ages. They just seem to scrape by on the touchline of the music press but never quite make it. The songs fucking rock basically. Loud guitars, loud drums, loud piano and lyrics that if put all together would probably make a novel longer than Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’. The lyrics centre around three main protagonists and their dead beat friends finding love in a recovery tent at a festival, betting on a horse called Chips Ahoy! and the songs reference each other and other literary wonders such as Jack Kerouac and John Berryman (and that’s just in the opening song).

There you have it. Some old bands and albums, some new. And one You will definitely have heard of. Sorry. I didn’t keep my deal. Well, I tell you what...you tell me yours.